Skip to main content

Dreams Do Tell~


I had a dream last night that stuck with me all day. 

A friend and I were driving somewhere--she was a photo friend of mine—Lisa R—who moved away several years ago.

 
She was driving and when she slowed down to turn into wherever we were going—a zoo? I yelled, "Stop, because LOOK! There’s an owl!"  A barn owl with a snowy owl’s body—so normal in a dream. 
I was so excited, until I realized I didn’t have my camera... even though the sole purpose of our trip was picture taking.

We got out of the car, and I watched Lisa take pictures. I pulled out my iPhone to at least capture something, but people kept bumping into me and stepping in my way. And when I COULD see the owl clearly enough to snap a picture, the sun was like a fireball behind him and he was only a black shadow on my iPhone screen.

I cried a little in frustration, but stuffed the feeling down. I told Lisa I was so glad she had her camera and was able to get good pix.

But then I said, “Who am I kidding? I’m so mad!” And I let out a deep, long, angry bellow. A dam let loose and the flood waters roared. I felt better...
 ....

When I’m asked these days, since Bruce’s cancer diagnosis, how I’m doing, I always answer, “We're fine.”  It wasn’t until Bruce was diagnosed with cancer that I referred to myself as “we.” It just happened. I follow his lead. He tells me he’s fine. He’s not worried or anxious; he’s taking one day at a time. 

So I am too.

At least I THOUGHT I was until I had the dream. But the dream showed me how sad I am, and how frustrated at having no control. And that I’m just plain angry!

I have no other public face but “fine.” 

But my dream told me the truth.

Cancer is NOT fine!
 
"When someone has cancer, the whole family and everyone who loves them does too." ~ Terri Clark
Labels:

Comments

MariannM said…
You are so right, Cancer is never fine. It's never ok. It sneaks into your life uninvited and begins it's destruction. You fight, you pray, some days you cry.
What do you do? You find new courage and strength. You learn what is important. You find the friends and family who are ready to laugh, to cry and hold you up. You find new purpose.
Your life is is no longer measured by birthdays but measured by when you were told this beast cancer entered your life. You say things like "before or after I, he or she got cancer".
It is never fine, it is never ok.
August 6, 2015 at 7:25 PM
Ruth L.~ said…
Mariann, Your comment means a lot to me. I know it came from much experience and from a big heart. Hugs!
August 6, 2015 at 8:52 PM
Unknown said…
You are amazing!
August 7, 2015 at 1:39 AM
Unknown said…
What life has taught me -- I'm a slow learner -- is that I can be mad, sad, frustrated, irritated, worried, harried, depressed or obsessed, and I can still say "We're fine."

Why not?

There's grace in stoicism and perseverance and optimism, even while you recognize that life hurts sometimes.

I've been quietly following Bruce's journey, and your writing about it, and I hope you know that I -- and all who know you -- are releasing a whole lot of prayers for you both.
August 7, 2015 at 10:33 AM
Ruth L.~ said…
So appreciate the comments. Gary, I'm glad that IWW connected us...and that the connection remains despite the fact that I've drifted out of the writing realm a little. A lot, actually!

I guess we are all fine...even when we're not, huh?
August 8, 2015 at 10:27 AM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

For Alice~ She's home!!!!!!!

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson Sometimes it's all about knowing that loved ones and friends stand behind you, knowing that support is there on the down days, the worry days, the days when you feel off-center, out of sync, bedraggled emotionally, and in pain, but knowing all the while that you're not alone. You're not alone... Alice is an online friend--she lives in Hawaii-- who belongs to the writer's workshop that I do. We've only "met" online, but those who have online friendships know that they can be just as strong as those in-person relationships. Alice was hit by a car while walking, and is in the rehab phase of things. She's working to regain mobility after a broken pelvis, a broken arm, and a broken nose. It's scary to realize how, in the blink of an eye, life can lurch and our plans for a time are displaced by survival and healing. We...
37 comments
Read more

Killing time~

I'd woken feeling stuffy headed, slightly allergy-ish, puffy-eyed, and a tad grumpy. Lots to do, little time in which to do it, school issues keeping me in a state of angst, I considered not going to David's game. But it was Saturday, the game fairly close to home-- Salem State College-- an hour or so north through Boston to the town of Salem, famous for the 1692 witch trials that saw 19 suspected witches, many of them social outcasts, hang on Gallows Hill. A change of pace was what I needed whether I wanted it or not, so I went. I squeezed in a walk around the block that enclosed Salem State's O'Keefe Center while waiting for the game to begin. Just to kill time. I get so few chances to do that. Others walking, too, passed with no eye contact, no greetings, just sharing the same planet. Two were coming toward me. Still unfocused in the distance . . . one was tall, the other short . . . two men . . . loose clothing . . . like army clothes, camouflage . . . beard and lon...
18 comments
Read more

Cancer is the asshole~

Today was the first time in a long, long time that I’ve called Bruce an asshole—and the first time since his cancer diagnosis. How can you call some one with cancer an asshole? After all, cancer patients don’t feel good--they’re dealing with a deadly disease, there are all sorts of worries, frustrations, and side effects and changes to their bodies, quality of life issues... and all the other little quirky symptoms that I only find out about about when Bruce tells his nurse. I’m pretty patient and understanding by nature, and all the more so now when he vents the inevitable “ cancer anger ” a little (or a lot). Today he got impatient and snippy, frustrated that we couldn’t merge our iCalendars—he hates when technology goes awry. Who doesn't? For him, it's one more thing out of his control. He started to tell me what I’d done incorrectly in the attempt to merge, and kept cutting me off when I tried to show him what I did...which, by the way, was corre...
13 comments
Read more